I’m no love guru. I cannot sit here and pretend that I am an expert on relationships or human psyche when it comes to love and sex. However, I have had my fair share of serious relationships and a whole bunch of experience with the “single life”. Therefore, there are a few things I have learned over the years that I believe we can all apply to this part of our lives if you haven’t already.
Personally, sex has always been an interesting subject; starting in grade eight where I would start to grab every piece of literature I could to learn as much as I could before being “thrown into the lions den” so to speak. But as I have come to understand, unfortunately, the decisions one will make when it comes to sex, love and the science of relationships is based on a history of trial and error. Sure, one can look into and research the vast amount of material available to us on the subject, but just as with the rest of life, nothing will teach a person more than explicit experience itself. Granted, I have not been around a very long time and a quarter of a century can only limit someone such as myself to so much intimate experience in this field while remaining “respectable”. However, there are things I have personally learned in my sex life that I believe are worth sharing with my peers.
To begin, sex has been put on such a pedestal in North America that it has become as feared as it is loved. Sex is a natural part of life that people, for the most part, attribute positive feelings towards. In all honesty, as long as mutual respect takes precedence, I do not hold a double-standard when it comes to men and women who enjoy sex. It would take a lot for me to call a girl a “slut” and sadly, I believe women themselves are their own worst critics for this. Thankfully, sex between peers in my social circle has been quite prevalent for a while now and there has been an ever-growing relaxed attitude towards it, spotted every so often with some occasional drama; c'est la vie. So what is good sex all about?
To me, good sex is about passion, variety, communication and the desire to please all parties involved; all things everyone has within them or are capable of learning. Which transitions nicely to my first point, the desire to learn. No one is good at sex right off the bat and we are usually reminded of that after the first encounter with a new partner. So how does one start learning about (excuse the pun) the ins and outs of good sex? It starts with the individual and the ability to “satisfy” oneself. Men, women and everyone in between, if one cannot satisfy themselves or just refuse to participate in such acts, odds are that person’s significant other is going to have a hell of a time trying to. To learn what it takes to get us where we want to go and to have the ability to share that knowledge with a significant other, is the first key to great sex.
The art of learning personal erogenous zones or how they like to be stimulated cannot end with the individual self. As I can best testify from the male perspective, men have to fully understand that women are their greatest ally when it comes to pleasing the complexity of the female form and no one else could explain it better. Whether that means putting down the Maxim and picking up a Cosmo (I love when you girl-friends of mine have the UK edition by the way) or simply asking detailed questions to a trusted girl-friend, the more information the better so gentleman keep your eyes open, ears tuned and pay attention.
When it comes to variety, spontaneity and location are two concepts easy enough to grasp so showing a discrepancy in these two aspects is a good start. When it comes to the act of having sex itself, learning interesting positions and techniques is as easy to reference as turning on a computer screen. The Internet and porn is an encyclopaedia of positions and moves that will only broaden one’s repertoire in the bedroom (time to get over porn all you prudes out there, its here to stay so you might as well makes some use of it!). As for communication, if one does not ask, one will never get. Communicating to each other what is being sought after intimately is a must but is simple as that; simply talking about one’s desires is usually the easiest way to receive them. Great sex is not limited to the casual and I would argue the exact opposite. Relationship sex can be some of the most phenomenal sex one will ever experience and it is not hard to see why the potential is so strong.
A long, loving relationship can produce some of the best and craziest sex one will experience in their lifetime. An atmosphere of trust and intimate knowledge of a significant other’s desires are the base ingredients for a recipe of unrivaled sex, assuming both people are on the same page sexually. Great sex between long-term partners is part of the foundation for successful relationships unless of course, the couple has chosen total abstinence (if that’s the case I can’t believe you’ve read this far). Again, as I can only testify from a male perspective, I believe men are relatively simple when it comes to being completely sexually satisfied by their significant other.
Basically it boils down to this: for lack of a better source, I have to quote the great Ludacris as men want “A lady in the street but a freak in the bed”. In other words ladies, men want to worship you as their sex goddess but it’s up to you to slay them. My best advice? I’m sorry I have to refer back to porn but I’ll legitimize it I promise. Ever noticed how most porn is the same? I mean, sure it varies when you get into the details but most scenes are structured similarly. The point is, men as a gender are not complicated to figure out when it comes to what does it for them sexually. Take the most popular porn stars or scenes in the word, learn their patterns and techniques, and –without hurting yourself of course- implicate them in your relationship. If any of you girlfriends/wives/life-partners/etc take this advice literally and any guy shuns you for it, you break up with him on the spot because rest assured you are going to make your next man one of the luckiest around; he’ll show you that he knows it too and his Internet browser’s history will never have looked so clean. When it comes to your own pleasure ladies, ask and ye shall receive, but you should know that by now. Oh, and if a guy doesn’t step up and reciprocate the “favours” you give –sorry boys- but he’s not worth it.
So that’s it, my science behind good sex. To reiterate, passion, variety, communication and the desire to please all parties; a theory I stand by and I think we can all agree upon. In the end, good sex is something that is attainable by all with the right mindset; one doesn’t have to be an expert on the subject or be the next adult entertainment superstar, but it doesn’t hurt to act like it once in a while.
Giving Sue Johanson a run for her money,
Matias M. Barchman
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Question: So, you claim that the craziest and best sex comes with having a healthy, long-term relationship (or at least something close to this). Why, the muck then is it that 95% of boys aren't looking for long-term relationships? Why are they only looking to drunkenly hook up with whoever's left at the end of the night? It makes no sense!!! Shed some light for me....
ReplyDeleteHey Klowy,
ReplyDeleteGreat question and it took me a while to think of something to respond with. I think that even though relationship sex is so extraordinary in comparison to casual, most single men are just looking for a partner to take that primal aggression out on. Now, in my experience, if the sex has truly been "casual" with no emotional attachment, this is how the single woman would feel as well. As a person who does not put sex on a pedestal, in the short term, you can have a great time with someone when its a relationship based on sex; however, long-term relationships are based on much more and when the connection is based purely on a sexual tension, an important connection is missing to take the relationship to the next level. I think the point I'm trying to make is that because of how we are raised in North America, it's OK for boys to enjoy casual sex but not so much girls because of the possibility of being labeled as a "slut" or worse. Therefore, girls have had to make sex a much bigger deal and tie emotion to it much more than their counterparts do. Again, this is from the male perspective and I am in no way qualified to even pretend I can fully understand the female psyche (if that was the case I don't think I'd be writing this stuff for fun). Simply put, 95% of boys aren't looking for long-term relationships or the "label" so to speak, because they don't have to when it comes to getting sexually satisfied and being socially accepted. At least that's part of it.
Ok hold on a second here, I agree with Klowy, I also agree with you as well that boys are in for it to be socially accepted. I just wanted to say that I am a girl as well and I agree that 95% percent of boys are just looking to get laid with no strings attached. Barely any boys in North America want a long- term relationship simply beacause they are afraid, of having sex with the same person for a long time. (That is unless of course the sex is amazing and you can stand the person for a long time). Because to men, I'm sorry and no offense but sex is a game, why be in a long term relationship sleeping with one, when you can be single and sleep with 10?. Sex is great don't get me wrong, but if you knew that the person your having it with is just in it for the 1 night stand, would you still sleep with them for fun of it, knowing that you'll never talk again? . For a girl its not worth it because we are too emotional and will take it personally. Girls don't tally up the guys and check points to see how many guys we slept with, if boys are actually doing that sad, we would go around calling them man whores, and if a woman does that shes called a slut (fair enough). Thats just how society works.
ReplyDeleteAs for the acting like a porn star in bed, it only gets you so far before you get hurt trying a new move!! ahah Also your right about spontaneity it makes sex way more exciting and fun. Location is key as well, but if you have the passion you can do it anywhere really. Last thing, I'm not sure if you know this as a guy but do you know how many girls waste their money on dating books, and books on men, guaranteed ask any of your girl- friends if they own at least one book on men or relationship chances are yes they do!!! its a secret us women have, that not many men know about! have you read the game out of curiosity?
yes, I gave "the game" a go, and by the time I was done with it, I felt I was right where I started. That book is far too overrated and should not be taken as any sort of literal guide to courtship. I agree that is how most men act when it comes to casual relationships but we have to remember that women knowingly let most of them get away with it. Now, I assume that for the most part it is based on the possibility that the guy will want to pursue a relationship, but it seems more often than not that this isn't the case. So as guilty as men are for acting the way they do, women are the ones in the position to let it happen or not. As for relationship literature and research, after hearing your input, I think both sexes are just as guilty of looking for help; perhaps reiterating that old notion of experience being the best teacher.
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ReplyDeleteya know, about the 95% of guys dont want a relationship thing (wow convenient that the % is right on the 5 eh? cool!!). well jeez i dunno about that too much. i think some dudes just get too freaked by trying to seriously approach someone with intentions on building a bond. happens to us too, don't forget it - we're only human. we're not all the same either. in my case, i never take home a bird from the bar. u kiddin me? how many times has that been around the block? we ARE at a bar, after all. what are most of us here for, hmm? iiiii dunno, bad vibes at bars and clubs in that sense... Not to label all, of course!
ReplyDeleteit seems kinda ridiculous to me though, that someone has to get right loaded at a bar, scope a bird, and take it down for the kill. i think it's neither that hard, nor when you wake up- satisfying. a real feat to me is: soberly finding a sweety getting to know her, and eventually knockin'er outta the park. and i don't mean with that sole intention; we have two levels of consciousness alright, we need to cater to both- all of us. it is an essential part of attraction, duhhh.
This will be a man with skills, ladies and gentlemen. he is a dude all dudes would aspire to, because he did not choose the easy way, or choose to get loopy and not care.
HE WILL BE: easy to talk to, down to earth, honourable, chivalrous( haw haw, bull shit it's dead, where you been lookin for it?) and whatever else, but above all - courageous. courageous enough to pave his own road, and leave all other losers in the dust. he will have worked his way up to something special, and achievable! that my friends, is a real man. contrary to popular belief, they are out there! i watched a mythbusters sneek peak the other day.
also, cyouthere, i think guys are usually more excited sleeping with only one person many times. usually means a little bit of loyalty. you both have a constant supply. way better than seeking one a weekend
In addition to my head and unprounceable volcanos exploding, we now have MB providing sex/relationship advice . . . Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore.
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