Talking it out: The Art of Friendship Negotiation

All of us have friends we count on, admire, relate with and even fight with. I believe friendships gone awry by unresolved arguments and petty differences are some of the most preventative occurrences people have occur in their lives. Don’t worry all you friends of mine out there, this entry is not about anyone in particular; to be honest, the motivation for this post came from how impressed I was after a friend and I got into a heated argument that could have been potentially “friendship-threatening” but ended with us caring no less or more for each other than beforehand. What it came down to was our ability to “talk it out” - our ability to sit down, yell and scream our heads off if need be, yet come to a compromised agreement. In my social circle, it seems that this is often not the case for whatever reason and it is a shame to see the results of a standoff driven by pride of opinion.

I am an opinionated person and take pride in being argumentative. Growing up there were a lot of fights about who was right between my friends and I; some battles I won, some I lost, even if I refused to believe it. However, after a lengthy post-secondary career in college and university, I came to appreciate the results of open-minded debate especially when it came to the preservation of friendship. Here is a break down of what I think the keys are for verbally fighting with friends and coming out with your friendship intact:

Firstly, step up and talk about the issue. Usually the make or break of resolving any personal issue with someone is taking the initiative to talk about it in the first place. I would argue for the most part that people are anti-confrontational and unfortunately this could be a hindrance in beginning the restorative process. Furthermore, relax as best you can because no good resolution ever came of an argument on the brink of fists being thrown. Sit down and breathe. Its time to talk it out.

At the forefront: respect. You are not talking to make things worse or attack integrity; you are trying to come to a compromise. In the end, there should not be any “winners” or “losers”; consensus is what counts. Additionally, remember you are friends to begin with and for a reason, so even if your counterpart is telling you something that you think is completely asinine, keep in mind that this person is still your buddy (for the most part anyway) and listen to what they have to say.

Next, get it all out there. Like any good debate, throw out exactly what your issue is and do not “beat around the bush”. One has to be completely honest with precisely what it is they have a problem with because that is the only way everyone involved will ever be able to come to terms with it. Furthermore, as friends, people need to be honest with each other and that is what good friends do: they trust that they will not be personally ridiculed because of something they believe. Sure they can be disagreed with, prodded, made fun of, laughed at, etc. but in the end, if it is something they have strong feelings for, no one is going to change that so it should be accepted. You may be friends but you are not the same person.

Subsequently, take turns and listen. This was one of my biggest problems. Whatever your friend(s) have to say, let them say it and do not interrupt until they are finished (you may have to ask, but make sure they are finished their point). If need be, make the point-counterpoint discussion that rudimentary and it will be hard to go wrong. Jumping the gun and attacking a point before the person even has a chance to finish only leads to tangents and more time wasted momentarily hating each other.

Speaking of tangents, stay on topic. Disputes between friends often lead to a regurgitation of arguments past and opening up old wounds. Unless the subject matter is completely relevant and you can keep it brief, keep the main issue the priority and at the forefront; bringing up something that was supposed to be resolved and forgotten or starting to argue about the minor details does not get the pressing issue settled. At times, the little stuff has to be left at an “agree to disagree” in order to keep things moving along and tightening the gap towards a solution.

Most importantly, understand that all parties are probably not going to get the result they were looking for. Look, you are clearly up in arms over something that is hard to be, or will never be, completely agreed upon. Why else would a quarrel become so heated? However, for the sake of your friendship and sanity, COMPRIMISE. I am not sure how many times I have had to beat this notion into my brain and I can tell you that this is probably the hardest part to accept. However, I can also say that I have been the most happy when all parties go away satisfied and everyone can still call themselves friends.

To conclude, this may seem like an overly simple solution to handling a hot issue you and your friends are debating over but frankly, most issues do not get resolved because the preliminary step is never taken to begin with; that is, talking about it in the first place. Silence is the ultimate killer between disputing friends and an abundance of time will not help when you basically have to start where you left off. Its time we as a people start resolving our personal issues we have with each other, especially if it is relatively small in the entire scheme of things. Comraderie and friendship are invaluable commodities in this world and as our generation becomes the foundation for our future, it is the trivial disagreements that go unresolved that lead to the “bad blood” and hindrances to a progressive tomorrow.


Confronting you with love,

Matias M. Barchman